Acceptance
by Book-worm'0717
Summary: "The memory of her that day haunts me to no end...To weak to stand, falling to her knees, bloodshot eyes,crying to no end, sobbing and broken. All i know is that i want to help her...save her." Edward witnesses Bella at her worst...And she hates him for it, she never meant for him know the truth...But now that he does there's no tuning back.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfic...so dont be too hard on me! i hope that someone out there will actually enjoy this.

**Disclaimer: ****twilight is definitely not something i own...(sigh)**

Chapter 1: Normal

_We are the angry and the desperate,_  
_The hungry, and the cold,_  
_We are the ones who kept quiet,_  
_And always did what we were told._

_prayer of the refuge  
__by Rise Against._

**BPOV**

I watched in silence as the drops of blood trikled down my finger.

Crimson leaving a trail down to to open palm and on to my wrist..

This cut was an accident.

I had been making dinner. The steaks were almost done, the vegetables almost steamed, but it had slipped my mind that Rene demanded strawberries cut in half and sugarcoated with sugar for desert.

I was not about to disobey her. So I quickly began cutting strawberries, but being that I can't complete a task without failing, I cut my finger.

And now here I stand hypnotized by the lack of pain...it should hurt.

It was and ugly cut, not to bad that I would need stitches though.

This was an accident. I got hurt on accident. How it should be. No one did this intentionally...not me, not Rene...not Phil.

I relished in the normality of it all. People get cut chopping food all the time. And I relished in the feeling that I was part of those people...

The mere fact that accidentaly being cut with a kitchen knife while cooking gave me comfort was yet another reflection of how fucked up I was..

A wave of sadness washed over me, I would never be normal. Tears filled my eyes and I fought them back.

Not here. I can't show that kind of vulnerability here. They would see.

No. I would wait and cry myself to exhaustion. As I did every night since as far back as I could remember.

I went over to the sink and wiped off the dry blood that was all over my hand.

I opened the last drawer on the right and put a band aid on.

As I went back to chopping the strawberries I herd the familiar smooth sound of a Volvo coming closer down the street until it stoped across the house from mine.

Edwards home...

I wonder if he had a normal day?

Probably had a good day at school, flirted with normal girls, had a normal basketball practice after and now he would go home to his Normal parents that would be waiting to have a normal dinner just as they do every night...except on weekends of course when he goes to parties like a normal 17 year old would...

I had never envied someone so much that my heart ached just thinking about how much different life would be if I was normal just as he was..

"You little bitch"!

I snapped my head up to see Phil swaying by the doorway to the kitchen. I could smell the liquor from all the way over here.

He began taking heavy wobbly steps towards me...

I felt myself shutting down. My brain quickly trying to save what little sanity I had left..

I see Phil Sneer at me then backhand me accros the face..

And I feel it.

The blood trickling down my nose, trailing down my lips to my chin..

_This_ was not an accident.

_This_ hurt.

_This_ was not normal.

_This_ was my life.

_This_ was the last thing I remember before I blacked out.

~.~.~.~.~.~

I felt cool tile under me.

I shivered, and curled into myself.

My eyes were closed. And I willed them to open. It was dark and I waited until my eyes focused.

Feeling my dry lips I licked them and I tasted the blood on them...

After that first blow my mind had shut down..just as it did every time.

I felt tears fall from face onto the cold tile.

Why can't I remember! Stupid brain, did my body really think i would be better off not knowing what happened?

I need to know! I hated being put in the dark by my own body. was it supposed to be a relief that I dont remember what happened next?

I pushed myself up into a sitting position, and then I stood up. Balancing myself on the counter. I felt the throbbing in my abdomen and on my wrist. I looked at the mark on my wrist first.. Phills hand, marked onto my skin. I rubbed it absent mindlessly.

I just wanted to know! Was that to much to ask for? Not knowing what happened...forgetting...blacking out? Shouldn't I be happy that I don't know the horrible things that took place?

NO.

I deserved to know! Its not fair, that my memory is also taken from me..bo madder how horrible they might be... its not fair, that I wake up scared, unknowing and helpless as to what happened after my mind forces me into to unconsciousness.

I hated myself for this.

I was weak and my mind and body reminded me of this every time I blacked out..

I shook my head, clearing it and looked around the kitchen. Just as I suspected, it was a mess.

Two plates and food all over the table, an empty wine glass, garbage overflowing, broken wine glass a foot away, red wine from the glass on the tile.

I sighed quietly and got to work. I walked towards the table and pain shot through me. I hissed and cradled my stomach. I can't think about this now. I have to clean. I pushed the pain aside and picked up the plates. Yet it hurt so bad, my eyes began to blur and I tears overflow. But I didn't care. I worked past the pain. By the time I finished I was practically dry heaving.. I was getting to loud and as much as I tried I could stop I couldn't.

I turned to look at the time but did a double take on the trash.

I stalked towards it, a sob escaping me and a fresh set of hot tears sliped down my cheecks..

I picked up the trash and tied the bag in a knot.

I forced myself to make it out of the front door. After closing it quietly I put the bag down for a second and look up at the dark sky.

It must be 3am..I pull out my phone to check.

Its 4am...I was close.

I picked up the trash bag again and I felt pain jab at my side. I felt my knees giving out and a sob escape my mouth as I fall to my knees. I Breath deeply and will every ounce of energy I had left to pick my self back up. I draged the bag to the side of the house where the bins were...my arms soar from the their previous beating felt like they were going to fall off.

Happy tears came when I realized I had made it and I could now go inside to cry myself to sleep if only for an and hours or so..

I was halfway to the door when I remembered that it was now Tuesday.

The garbage trucks would come to collect at 7am.

I felt the frustration in me build..more tears now. The happy ones gone to be replaced with hatred.

"I...i..just want to be f..fucking NORMAL"! I stammered through my tears, and once again I was at my knees pulling at my hair.

And a fleeting thought that I had never before presented itself came out of my lips.

"I just wana die." Breaking down on my lawn, tearing out my hair, hyperventilating and broken is when I uttered words for the first time on my life.

I don't know how I did it but I pulled that dam bin onto the side of the road. I did it while crying, sobbing and stopping every two steps from the pain. But I did it. And as I made my way up the walkway and up the front steeps I turned back to look at the trash bin and I felt a watery smile come to my face. I did it.

as I was about to turn back my gaze lifted to the house across the street up to what I knew was Edwards bedroom. I assumed I would find a dark window...but what I saw instead made me freeze and my watery smile diminish.

There sitting on the window pane was Edward Cullen and he was staring right at me.

**A/N: So, I hoped you guys liked it. I would really appreciate your feedback!  
****So please review!**

**~Bookworm~**


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much to those of you who reviewed, Alerted and/or added **Accepted** to their favs!

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEES KNEES!  
Soo.. i made this chapter in EPOV. I wanna introduce him to you guys a bit.  
Although i think i might stick with BPOV for most of the story...  
Im not completely sure yet..  
ANYWAYS!

I hope you guys enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I am certainly not cool enough to own Twilight...(sight)**

Chapter 2: No Tuning Back

_No one will ever see_  
_This side reflected_  
_And if there's something wrong_  
_Who would have guessed it_  
_And I have left alone_  
_Everything that I own_  
_To make you feel like_  
_It's not too late_  
_It's never too late_

_Its never too late  
by Three days grace_

**EPOV**

"COMMON E! TWENTY MORE"! Emmett's voice roared near my ear.

Everyone else had gone home! But he demanded I stay for extra reps because I was "slacking"!

"Just...because I...have a life out...side of the...gym doesn't...mean I'm...SLACKING"! I managed to say while bench pressing my last rep.

"Fuck you Cullen"! Ughh Emmett. In personal trainer mode. Yheaa, that got real old...FAST!

"TWENTY." I grunted out and put back the bar. I got up off the bench and over to the showers before Em could say anything else about another set.

As soon as I got out into the parking lot I spotted Tanya. She had been waiting, that much was apparent.

"Hey you." She walks over and puts her arms around my neck and leans in to kiss me. I felt myself become irritated. One of the many reasons that contributed to what I was about to do...

I pushed Tanya back gently and scratched the back of my neck with my hand not really sure how to say this...

"So, we should...you know, see other people Tanya. I've been thinking about this for a while."

She scowls at me... and it does not suit her...let me tell you!

"See other people? What the fuck! You're a dick CULLEN!" she sneered my name, "Your just gonna through this way? Well fuck you and go to hell"!

"Must you be so vulgar"? Yes this was one of the top 5 on my why this is over list. Getting with Tanya had been a mistake. I knew since we began dating a couple months ago…why I didn't say anything was beyond me. I guess I liked having arm candy?...so what sue me?

"Look T, I'm just not into it anymore. Uhh I gotta go my mom expects me for dinner. See ya'round."

Ugh glad that's over! How irritating to have to deal with that!

I make it home with 5 minutes to spare. As I get out of the car I glace over at the crazy swan house. I mean it's not like I'm just going off of what people say...I literally have seen them do some crazy shit!

Most memorable was probably last Christmas. I had been up in my room hanging up the new clothes that I received, when I see something moving out of the corner of my eye..

I look out the window for further inspection and sure enough I see the Swan girl running around frantically! She seemed to be looking for something on the grass in her front lawn.

Whatever she lost well...look luck finding it I thought. Its fucking pitch black out there AND it looks as if the grass hadn't been cut in a while.

I laughed at how ridiculous the situation was and went back closet.

The next morning I ran into crazy swan and Phil her step dad.

"Hello Edward." He said kindly enough. Hmm maybe it's just swan?

"Good morning." I offered to both of them.

They didn't say anything after a while so I just made my way the driver's side. Then I heard a hiss? yheaa a fucking hiss! I slowly turned my face towards Swan as she said,

"Morning Edward." I simply nodded my Response and slid onto my car.

But before I did I couldn't help put tease her a bit...

"You...know, I bet you could find something much easier if your grass wasn't so long." I snickered at the look on her face...and then I wasn't laughing when I saw the shock and embarrassment from being seen change into pure unfaked raw fear.

And as soon as the emotion came it went leaving her in blank stare and unemotional face..

WHAT. THE. FUCK?..

This chick was giving me whiplash!

Phil at this point was looking furious and very uncomfortable.

"Yheaa...well bye." I mumbled before getting into my Volvo and speeding the hell away...

That night I was woken up around 1 am by the sound if a lawnmower...I shook my head and chuckled at how abnormal she was.

As I got through the threshold I was hit with the aroma of fresh baked pie...apple!

"Mmm is that apple smell"? I say as i turn into the kitchen.

"Edward! You made it for dinner"! She says this every day as if she expects me to never show up...Dinner as always was full of questions about my day and a mumbled response from my part..

After dinner and helping mom clean up I take the stairs three at a time, eager to be in solitude in my room. It was 12 am when I decided that I needed sleep more than television. So I let my eyes close and sleep overtake me..

I was back in the weight room with Emmett...again he was filling in as "my trainer" I was lifting. Then someone from behind me, I can't see their face! Kicks my elbow while bar packed with weights comes down on my face crushing every bone along the way...

I shot up from my bed and my hands reached for my face...

It was just a dream..I chanted.

I was sweating and feeling suffocated so I quickly put on some sweats opened my window and breathed in..

The coolness of the night feeling fucking amazing against my skin.

I turned to look at the clock,

It was 3:30 am.

I sat on window just starting up at the dark sky...knowing that sleep wouldn't be come again tonight.

I had been sitting there for half an hour when I heard I a door click shut.

My head snapped in the direction of the house across the street.

And there stood Swan. She just stood there looking up...holding a trash bag?

She pulls out what I assume is her phone..Glances at it and puts it back.

So grips the bag and picks it up...she immediately falls to her knees and starts crying… I continue to watch; horrified.

The way she cried...the pain she carried, I was numb. I Just watched her pull through her tears and sobs to stand up and drag the bag to the bin...

She turns to walk back in the house but stops midway.

And the with wide frozen eyes I watch her cry with such fucking pain I had to look away. What the fuck is going on!

How can someone get to this point? To the point of breaking down in their front lawn…at 4 am!

I heard her talking up to nothing...once again on her knees.

"I...I..just want to be f..fucking NORMAL "! She sobs through her tears.

Her hands tangle up in disheveled hair and her next words were so quiet that if it weren't for the quiet stillness of the night. I would have never heard her...but I did, and those four words will forever Change my life..

"I just wana die." She sounds so small so broken. I felt my heart clench.

And then she somehow picks herself up, tears never missing and sobs always present. She got up clutched her stomach every couple of steps and pulled the dam bin to the side of the road.

In the back of my head, I knew that I should have gotten up and helped her... I just...couldn't fucking move. I was frozen staring at this girl break down..I heart breaking with her. What happened to her? She's obviously hurt ... but how? And why the fuck is she taking out the trash at 4 am?

She's standing on her porch now; hand over stomach with a teary smile..

She's looking at the bin.

She's looking at her effort

She's looking at what she's accomplished

HOLY SHIT!

She's looking at me.

I don't know what to do… ive been caught.

Ive been staring at her, spying, invading her privacy.

Her breakdown…it was an intimate private moment, never meant for anyone to see…

But I can't pretend and I can't erase.

And I don't think I want to..

The memory of this night will haunt me to no end…To weak to stand, falling to her knees, bloodshot eyes, crying to no end, sobbing and broken. All I know is that I want to help her….save her.

Her blank stare slowly turns into one of fury…I didn't understand. Her eyebrows slit together eyes burning holes into mine. Her Jaw set tight, clenching and unclenching.

She shakes her head feverishly at my direction..

And I just it here unable to move, her stare holding me here.

What would I say if I could move? What would I do?

I would wrap my arms around her. That's what I would do.

If there was ever someone who was in dire need of a hug or comfort, it was this broken girl..

Her voice brought me back from my thoughts, her words catching me off guard.

"FUCK YOU EDWARD CULLEN!...I hope you enjoyed the fucking show." She was on the verge of tears now, but her anger never faltered.

She thought I had enjoyed this? Watching her break into a million pieces in front of me…

Seeing her wish to be normal…

Seeing her wanting to die…

She turns on her heel and runs into her house only slowing down enough so she could close the door behind her quietly.

I didn't understand… earlier today I had been so preoccupied with my fucking petty problems.

Being pushed too hard and annoyed by Emmet?

Having to deal with Tanya?  
Sitting through a bullshit dinner with my parents?

It's so fucking insignificant!

I felt ashamed.

For thinking my problems were ever important.

For watching her crumble in front of my eyes.

For not helping her.

Its now 5 am…

She had gone inside ten minutes ago…

It took ten ten minutes for me to realize I would never be able to let this go..

I was in to deep now..

I had seen to much..

I now cared to much..

There's no turning back.

**A/N: Well that it for chapter 2, hope you guys liked!  
Let me know what you think!**

**~Bookworm~**


	3. Chapter 3

** Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight...Darn you and your brilliance Stephanie Meyer!**

Chapter 3: Assumptions

_She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough_  
_I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in_  
_And I don't know if I've ever been really loved_  
_By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's_  
_Gonna give_  
_And I'm a little bit angry_

_Push  
By Matchbox Twenty._

**BPOV**_  
_

I felt the repulsive vile burn up my throat as I raced up the stairs into the bathroom.

I got there just in time. I felt the cold sweated spasms run violently through my body as I got rid of everything I could possibly have in my stomach.

I laid my head on the toilet seat and fought to swallow the sobs that tried to escape from my mouth. My mind was at a loss for what had just taken place not less than minutes ago.

He saw me and not just some fabricated pretense of me either..

No, Edward Cullen had witnessed the me that lies under the surface. The me that no one saw because this vulnerable broke person exist only after a dreaded black out.

And I was furious!

Who the hell was he? He had no right to gawk at me from his window like I was some kind of fucking show...a freak show!

And I just knew somehow that he had seen everything...heard everything.

Dread filled my body. What now? What would he make of this? Would he go tell all his friends about the ridiculous girl who broke down in her front yard? Would he know how I got hurt?

No.

He couldn't possibly know how...

He would never even think of it. To everyone Phil was a well-rounded family man that co-owned the body shop with Billy black in La Push.

He worked hard for his girls, picking up the pieces after Beloved father and husband passed away, trying to give them the best he could...

But didn't they see? That beneath the surface was a disgusting excuse for a human being? Can't they tell, that his late nights working at the shop are really private meetings with a bottle of his favorite poison? Don't they know, that he comes home piss drunk and violent..Seeking out defenseless victims to take out his anger on?

Do they know that, that person is me?

No. People are oblivious and gullible.. They believe the lie. It's the easy way out.

No one believed he was capable of doing anything harmful his troubled step daughter... And after news broke out that I had attempted suicide the chances of being taken seriously were doubtful.

So what happens now?

The sound of my phone beeping brings me out of my thoughts and up to my feet. My alarm tells me its 6:30 now.

I have to get myself together. Nothing's changed. Edward seeing me broken is nothing less than humiliating, but I'll get over it. He won't say a word and I'll find a way to make sure of that. Even though no one had believed me...things might be different if they hear it from Edward, they would take his words seriously. And I can't have that.

Getting ready for school took less than five minutes...let's just say I don't dress to impress. My abdomen was still hurting and it was starting to turn a light purple... Pain killers were my savior. Relief filled me once they settled in my system.

I quickly but carefully go down to the kitchen and get breakfast started. Eggs, bacon, toast and waffles. I get the coffee going and set two plates full of food on the table. I look around frantically wondering if there's something I missed...

"Bella don't just stand there make yourself useful...get me some syrup." Phil grunted as he sat down at the table.

"Yes Phil.I'm sorry." I hoped he would hear the sincerity in my words...because I honestly was sorry...sorry that he was a worthless piece of shit..

"Good morning Isabella! Did you sleep well dear"? I turn to look at my mother...With a blank face I face her so the bags under my eyes and fizziness of my hair and my drooping eyes will hopefully answer her question.

"Well...everything looks delicious Bella. Why don't you come eat something with us"? Her voice full of regret...I can only imagine it's for everything that'd endured in this house..She feels remorse for what I go through...but yet she never does anything about it. She uses that same tone very morning.

"No. Go to school." Phil said giving Rene a pointed look.

I wasn't about to argue with him...I wasn't above taking orders..I nodded picked up my backpack and left without a goodbye.

The purr of Edwards Volvo could be heard from here and I kept my head down at all cost . Once I got into my rustic truck I did not hesitate to leave quickly. Only realize that a shiny Volvo was behind me...yheaa what a coincidence we left at the same time.

I pull into my usual parking spot at the back of the lot where no one ever parks and shut of the engine..

I open my door and hit hit a car next to me.

I look in horror at the car door I just hit...the door of a shiny Volvo

"Ohmygod I am so sorry...I didn't see you pull up and no one parks here, I'll fix it! It's just a scratch no dent..."I rambled like a dumbass, it's probably the most I've ever said to Edward Cullen .

I look up to see him watching me with a look of disbelieve in his eyes

He didn't say anything and neither did I, this was uncomfortable and the humiliation of him seeing me last night reminds of why he followed me anyway.

"Let me just say..."

"Do you want to..."

We both started talking at the same time... Edward chuckled nervously. But I wasn't amused. Whatever conversation he wanted to start I knew would not end well...

"You first," he said quietly.

I took a deep breath closed my eyes and crossed my arms.. When I opened my eye I knew they would be blank and empty. I had mastered this skill to perfection.

"Let me just say that just because you saw me last night don't think you can hold this over my head forever. How dare you just watch me like I'm a freak show? Did you get a good laugh out of it?. Don't answer that..but I will ask that you not say anything to anyone. I don't know what you want from me. But I do know you want something, you didn't come park next to me just to say hello..so what is it gonna take to make you forget last night ever even happened"? I breathing hard mad sure to let him know what my eyes just how much I disliked him at this moment.

He seemed shocked by my outburst and his mouth opened and closed about a dozen times...

His features then turned into one disgust...

Wow. I know I wasn't liked, but the fact that he found me disgusting hurt more than it should.

"You done even know me"! He blew up! My eyes widened at his outburst.

"You just fucking assume I enjoyed watching you that way last night? You think I was going blackmail you with this? I know i rarely talk to you and when I do I tease you a bit- I'm sorry for that- but what did I ever do to make you think I'm a fucking monster like that"?

I was taken aback by what we said...I felt regretful of what I had said, because he really did look hurt at my assumptions of him.

And then I felt angry again. Angry that intentionally or not. He still saw what he saw…He could have looked away…But I didn't tell him that. I was done talking about this. I was letting myself feel too much. It's always safer to hide behind empty eyes.

"look I just assumed... Just forget it then. Forget what I said And forget last night." and with that I walked away. Because really where was this conversation really going? I believed that he wouldn't say anything, so if he was half the guy he claimed to be he would respect my wished and let it go.

Once I got into the building I made sure to keep my face blank and my head down.

I reached my locker and pulled out my English book but It was knocked out of my hand. I looked up to see mike with his face in his locker laughing...

I slowly bent down to pick it up but as I went to stand up he knocked it back down.

This time his hand hit the side of my jaw just before he hit my book.

I stood there frozen...I felt my mind shutting down slowly and I Frantically tried to stop it! This can't happen here! My eyes stung with tears that I fought back quickly...but the words that came out of mikes mouth were my lifeline.

"shit! I'm so sorry! I..didn't mean to I swear! It was an accident sawn I swear"! And accident...

It was an accident..

He didn't mean to..

I could hear it in his voice.

A small smile played on my lips and I nodded.

"yhea..and accident not intentional. It's fine..thank you mike." I said quietly. I close my locker and walked away..

"thank you...For what"? I heard him call after me in confusion.

My smile grew.

My jaw was numb.

There was no pain.

**A/N: I hope you enjoy.  
Let me know what you think!**

**~Bookworm~**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight...I just make the characters human and put them in shitty situations lol.**

Chapter 4: Refusal

_I'm burning in the heavens  
And I'm drowning in a hell  
My soul is in a coma  
And none of my friends can tell  
That I'm reaching out and getting nothing  
This is just a story of a broken soul_

_Take me_  
_By Papa Roach_

**BPOV**  
"Soo, is there something you want to tell me"? Asked Ben as I sat down at our lunch table.

"uhh...no." a shot of panic rose through me as I thought of Edward.

Ben laughed, "Hmm...Okei I'll ask you this then. Since when are you and Cullen friends"? He wasn't laughing anymore...Ben had never done me wrong. He was a great friend even if I was never one back...He doesn't know about my life, but likes to think that he understands why I am the way I I went to the institution in Seattle last summer he would write and call...

He was the only one who did.

He was my only friend.

I'm just sorry i couldn't return the favor.

"Ben I don't know what you're talking about. But I'm sure you're wrong." I was getting sick and tired of this Edward situation. I felt bad for always being so close off with Ben, but I couldn't help it...my guard was always up.

"So why did he defend your honor today against Mike"?

"He what? What are you talking about"? I said confused.

"So the story is that Shmike was rough handling you in the hallway this morning...I guess Cullen saw, and he caught up with him before lunch to tell him that 'if he ever touches you again he's dead'. So of course mike says some smart ass comment on how by the time he was through touching you, you were thanking him. Soo Cullen punches him right in the face and Emmet has to drag him off before he keeps going"! Ben's eyes were animated as he gave me the play by play.

This is ridiculous, Edward Cullen doesn't even know me, were not even friends? So why would he defend me?

"You know Ben you shouldn't believe everything you hear." I scolded him.

"I know and I don't. The reason I know this is true is because I just saw it happen." he said smugly...

Fury began to fill every ounce of my body... Who the he'll does he think he is? I don't need him fighting my battles! We're not even friends.

I don't need to be protected... He probably felt sorry for me so he figured he would do me a kindness? Like I'm some fucking charity case?

"Bella...are you Okei? You look really mad...did mike hurt you"? Ben snapped me out of my thoughts...

I jumped up from my chair and picked up my backpack.

"I'll see you later Ben."

I had had enough of this! I felt bad for leaving Ben but I just had to get away...

What is wrong with him! I don't understand his sudden interest in me and I sure as he'll didn't like it!

He makes me feel like a charity case...I'm just his good deed for the day.

Well fuck him! I don't need to be protected...

Maybe you do...

Said a voice in my head.

I shut that thought up as quickly as it came.

I was now outside away from the stares away from the hushed whispers. I sat under a big tree and wrapped my arms around my legs.

I closed my eyes...

This day had me exhausted and confused. And it's all thanks to Edward Cullen.

"Bella"? I snapped my head up to see green eyes looking down at me...

"Speak of the devil...what is it Cullen? Come to see if I have any more jerks I need you to take care of for me"? I murmured.

The side of his lips twitched and he shook his head.

"May I"? He gestured to the spot beside me.

I nodded slowly wondering where this was going.

"Look I just want to apologize. I shouldn't have watched you like that, even while doing it I knew it was wrong. I should have looked away, and I tried Bella I did... But I just couldn't. You need to know that not once did I enjoy watching you in that state. I still don't understand what's going on... But I want to, and I know that's a lot to ask for but I can't pretend...no madder how hard I try that I didn't see what I did. Bella I can't walk away now..."

"I...I'm sorry I assumed you were a certain way. And I appreciate you not saying anything to anybody. I know you don't understand and I want to keep it that way. It best for both of us Edward. We weren't friends the day before yesterday...and just because you saw some private meltdown of mine doesn't mean were friends now...

You have to let this go."

I pleaded with him...

"I don't even know why we're having this conversation. What exactly do you want from me"? I said in a small voice.

"I want to be your friend." he said determined...

I snorted "I don't have friends Edward as in...I don't want them. And anyways I would be a terrible one."

I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration...what normal person doesn't have, want or can keep a friend.

I'm not normal.

I look at him and I wish I could be normal for him...so I could be his friend, if his offer was even sincere...

"Bella I see you eat lunch with that Ben guy every day, why is he your friend"? He said irritated.

"Ben is my friend, yes. But I'm not his..Friends talk, they trust and they tell each other thing...my friendship with Ben is a one way street. Bens always been there for me...no madder what other people said he was always on my side. So as long as he's willing to go on with this one sided friendship I not going to stop him." I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

"I don't want pity friends, Edward. This conversation wouldn't even be happening if you hadn't seen me yesterday."

He was quiet for a long time, and I even opened my eyes to see if he was still there.

I caught him staring at me and I lifted my eyebrows in question.

He sighed quietly and said, "But I did see you... And things do change. Last night I saw you Bella. I saw the pain and the Hurt I saw you fall to the ground and...I...I herd you. How do you want me to not get affected by that! Bella you were so weak and fragile I just want to help you." he pulls his hair with his fingers in frustration and looks at me, waiting for my response.

Weak?

My eyes stung with tears; weak.

Help?

He thinks I need help?

I abruptly got up, picked up my bag and rubbed palms over my eyes...

Then I look down at him.

"You don't know anything. So stop trying to. Not everyone wants to be friends with you; you can't force me to into this. ."

And with that I quickly walked class which I coincidently had with him... It seems as though I can't escape him.

I decided to make a pit stop at the bathrooms. I stood at the sink looking at my face...

I was pathetic. So what if he want to be your friend? He could be like Ben.

But somehow I knew if I became friends with him, it wouldn't be the same as Ben...

I splashed cold water on my face and made my way to class.

When I walked in, I looked around confused.

The desk had been moved so they were now in sets of two all over the room.

"Nice of you to join us miss swan." I heard Mr. Jackson say.

"Sorry, where do I sit"? I mumbled quietly.

"Well since you and Mr. Cullen decided being late was a good idea, you two are now paired up. You will be doing an assignment about each-other. You will be getting to know each-other enough that every month until the end of the semester you will take a photograph of your partner that represent to you who they are. And vice versa. With each picture I want a page description of what is happening what things stand for and so on. But for today just fill out this worksheet with my Cullen."

He hands me a questioner.

I turn towards the now working class and find Edward at the back of the room sitting by himself. I take a deep breath and walk towards him. I pull a desk up next to his and sit down... We both don't say anything and the air is awkward between us.

"What's your middle name"? He says suddenly.

"Uhh, Marie... Why"? I asked

"It's question number one...mines Anthony." he was being very distant and his eyes were hard.

This should make me happy. To see that he's letting it go...but I slightly disappointed that he wasn't interested in my friendship anymore...

You can't have both ways...

I thought.

"Oh...Okei. What's your favorite color"?

And that's how it went until the bell rang. Straight forward and strictly professional. I kept waiting for him to bring up our lunch conversation, but he never did.

And as I watched his back walk towards the door I told myself repeatedly that this was what I wanted. To be left alone.

I've never been a good liar.

**A/N: Hoped you like it!  
Please Review and let me know what you think! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Yheaa...so i still don't own twilight (Sigh)**

Chapter 5: Reminisce

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...  
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,  
This world you must've crossed...  
she said...  
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,  
She said  
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,  
Boston  
By Augustana

* * *

_How could be gone?  
Doesn't he know how much I need him!_

_My eyes glance at the door. I feel like I've done that every five seconds for the past three months.  
Just waiting for him to barge in…  
Waiting for Charlie to barge in saying, "bells I'm home."_

_My eyes well up with tears that overflow and pour down my cheeks at the memory of his voice._

_I can't wrap my head around it...  
I just can't accept that I'll never see my dad again. I don't see myself ever moving on from this..._

_He will never get to interrogate a Future boyfriend  
He will never walk me down the aisle  
He will never bond with grandchildren._

_A sob escaped my lips..._

_He will never hear me say I love you again.  
I will never hear him say 'I love you, bells' again. _

_Of course he would be extremely uncomfortable at the slightest show of emotion...  
I laughed/sobbed and closed my eyes._

_I wanted to picture him healthy, sitting on the couch watching a mariner's game and drinking a beer grunting at the TV whenever he disapproved. _

_I don't know why I do this to myself...picture him in my head like this..._

_Because now I'm full on sob crying and I'm doing it loudly. I don't even try to stop or quiet myself... I know it won't work._

_I'm sitting on the edge of my Bed with my head in my hands when the door is thrown open. My head snapped up in shock and my sobbed are momentarily postponed. _

_"Your still add it"! Phil, my new stepdad. Mom sure moved on fast. I scowled at him._

_" .NOW." I said with gritted teeth.  
"No! You need to stop it! Just stop being so dramatic. We get he died, shit happens get over it"!  
I stared at him in shock..._

_Shit happens?_

_Shit happens! _

_"My father just fucking died! You cold hearted piece of crap! Get out of my room! NOW"! My breathing was coming in short and I was having trouble getting enough air._

_"Ohh come on! We all know you're looking for attention, so you I'm giving it to Isabella. Now get out of this room. Go down stairs make yourself useful and make me lunch."_

_"wha, no! Get out Phil"! I closed my eyes and when I opened them again Phil had gotten closer to me and was reaching for my arm._

_He gripped my wrist and pulled me up to my feet.  
I looked at him and then down at my wrist horrified.._

_"You're going downstairs." he said with finality._

He pulled me towards the door and I dug the heels of my shoes into the carpet.

"_Let me go Phil! What's wrong with you"! I screeched  
"YOU! That's what's wrong with me! All Rene ever talks about is how upset you always are! You're ruining my marriage, but not anymore! Now go go down stairs and try to be fucking normal. You are going to get your shit together. And when your mom gets back you're going to show her how you're all better now you understand…so fucking selfish"! _

_I looked at him in disbelieve, "ME? Selfish? I'm not the one who got remarried as soon as her husband died! She practically planned the funeral and wedding at the same time"!_

"_DO NOT DISRESPECT YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT YOU USELESS BRAT"! He forcefully pulls my arms._

_My arms were hurting and I felt tears streaming down my checks...  
We were at the stairs now and held on to the banister with everything I had. Phil tried pulling me off but I crouched down and wrapped my arms around one of the poles._

_I felt my hair being pulled and I screamed in agony  
"Let go you little bitch." he yelled before he kicked the side of my ribs.  
My hands instinctively went to go cradle my stomach and he took the opportunity.  
I felt myself being pulled to my feet forcefully and dragged down the first step. _

_I flared my arms and kicked my feet and when I kicked his groin he abruptly stops._

_"You fucking bitch"! He says before pushing me with suck force I stumble and trip on the step I was on._

_My head hits the banister before i fall on my side and roll down the stairs. My arms get twisted and I fall on it. I hear a crack and I scream as I feel the pain shoot up my elbow.  
And then my head hits wood floors. My whole face aches and I can smell blood._

_The last thing I remember was heavy footsteps coming down the stairs._

_When I woke i knew I was in a hospital right away...  
White walls bright lights.  
I looked around the room but found that I couldn't move my neck.  
I tried to lift my hand but it was strapped down to the bed...  
I tried to lift my left foot but it to was strapped to the bed._

_I began to look around as much as I could with my eyes and my breathing started coming in pants...  
Breathing was becoming difficult and I felt my chest tighten in an uncomfortable way._

_"Bella, Bella its Okei calm down I'm here." I felt vomit at the bottom of my throat at the sound of this man's voice..._

_Phil got closer to the bed and I lost it._

_I screamed for help  
I screamed for frustration  
I screamed for my dad._

_Soon people in uniforms were surrounding my bed and checking the machines._

_I looked around frantically... Where was he! He's going to get away!_

_"Hunny what's wrong"? Asked one of the nurses.  
"He tried to kill me! He tried to kill me! He tried-"  
I couldn't finish the sobs and cries now over took me and I couldn't breathe again._

_And then suddenly I felt myself relax and my muscles loosen.  
I saw Phil approach the bed. I just watched him with silent tears._

_"Bella I would never do that... How could you...how could you even think that"? He said with crocodile tears in his eyes._

_"Don't you remember? I tried to help you Bella...you were...you were doing to kill yourself, I tried to stop you from throwing yourself down the stairs but you kicked me and then it was too late. I am so sorry I didn't try harder." his broke with faked emotion._

_I stared at him in horror.  
Then looked down at my strapped hands and feet.  
They thought I would hurt myself?_

_No! He's putting this on me?_

_My eyes glanced at the nurses around me._

_They all looked down at me sympathetically... My eyed flickered to every face._

_He would win. No one believed me. I had been depressed for months and had barley eaten anything. Of course they would think I was suicidal._

_And then my eyes land on his face._

_My face crumbled as i see the briefest smirk on his lips.  
_

* * *

The sound of a knock on my window brought me back to reality.  
I really hate remembering those times..

I quickly rub my face in my hands and look up.  
Standing there I see...

Edward.

His eyebrows knitted and his face looked concerned for me. But then his face becomes blank and void of emotion.  
I stifle a sigh and I know exactly what he's doing, because I've been doing it for as long as I remember. Hiding his feeling from me. He's protecting himself just like I do.  
I roll my window down all the way.

"Hey." i say quietly knowing that after a trip down memory lane made my voice unreliably emotional.

"Hi. So about this project... Do you want to work on it today"? He seemed nervous and his hand would run through his hair every fifteen seconds.  
He has nice hair I noted…the color and the styling it's…nice.

Tomorrow was Phil's day off... And as soon as I woke i knew he would kick me out for the day. Not wanting to see my face at all so he would say. I would usually go down to la push and sit on the beach until If was sure he'd be asleep, and then I would sneak back in. Maybe I could ask Edward to go with me…

"What about tomorrow"? I ask quietly.

"Yhea, sure." he mumbles.

I frown, I really wish he wouldn't act like this..

He begins to walk away and i start to close my window but then I hear him call out my name and I stop to look at him.

"I...are you okei"? He says quietly.

I look down and then up him again.  
I had the sudden desire to tell him...  
And that scared the hell out of me.

The look in his eyes of worry and concern... It was frightening what that look made me feel.

"No, I'm not." I said in louder voice. And it's the truth. I'm not fine. I hurt all the time. And I feel like I'm just a waste of space in my own home. That tiny response meant more to me than he'll ever know.

"I'll see you tomorrow Edward." i finally said.I close the window and start up my truck. When I turn to look at him he gives me a small smile and a nod before walking away.

Or maybe be does know...

I was honest with him...

I shook my head and felt

My lips form a small smile of their own.

**A/N: Hoped you liked it!**

**R&R:)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I Do not own Twilight.**

****Chapter 6: Deception

_Wish I was too dead to cry_  
_My self affliction fades_  
_Stones to throw at my creator_  
_Masochists to which I cater  
I wish I had a reason  
My flaws are open season  
For this, I gave up trying  
One good turn deserves my dying  
_

_Bother  
By Stone Sour  
_

* * *

_**BPOV**  
_

"Would you like to tell me something Isabella"?  
I stare intently at my shoes and bite my lip so hard I taste blood.  
"I don't know what you're talking About Phil..."

A shiver went up my spine when I heard him move towards me.

"AAHHGG"! I yelled at he pulled my hair with all his strength.  
Tears fell down my eyes and I bit my tongue to stop screaming.

"Don't act like you don't know! Your photography teacher called today...yheaa. To inform me that you were late for his class. YET AGAIN"! He roared in my face.

I felt my knees give out and was falling to the ground but Phil caught me by my hair.  
"I'm s...s..Sorry Phil! PLEASE let me g...go." i tried to talk through the pain that was quickly becoming unbearable.

"Dam right you should be! Ha! And you'll be a lot sorrier when I'm through with you"! He let go of my hair and pushed me down.  
It was so hard to see with my blurred vision I panicked when I lost sight of him. My throat started to close up and my breathing came in labored.

"You want to know something Isabella"?  
I looked up at him with blurry eyes.  
"I SAID DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING"!  
"y...yes Phil."

"I think maybe your mom and I would be much happier if you go back to treatment again. I mean it's obvious that you've fallen into your old ways again, and that really makes me sad Isabella."

I look in horror as he kneels down pulls a kitchen knife out of his jacket and grabs my arm.

"We've all noticed your strange behavior and no one will be able to ignore the scars."  
My head spins in confusion...

He pulls my arm roughly towards him and pushed my sleeve to my elbow.  
Then he slides the knife horizontally across my wrist.

"STOP...Phil please! STOP"! I knew what he was doing now... It all made sense! He was going to make it look like I still wanted to off myself...he was going to send me to Seattle to get better...I couldn't go back there! I couldn't go back there!

"STOP! AHHHH! I screamed at the top of my lungs and Phil put down the knife long enough to stick a kitchen rag in my mouth to suffocate my and slap me. Then he got back to cutting my wrist.

I thrashed around and he griped my wrist squeezing over my fresh wounds.  
I screamed into the rag.

"Now, now Isabella if you move I might just pops a vain. Is that what you want? To bleed to death."

"Ohh hey, quick afterthought! I'm surprised your still conscious...It makes this even better." he chuckled and went back to the task at hand.

No black out?  
What's happening?  
I usually Black out seconds after the first hit...

But here I am minutes in and wide awake. I think back to all those times I cursed myself for forcing myself into unconsciousness.

Now in this moment I'm begging it comes to me...I would accept it arms wide open.  
But I already know relief will not come tonight.  
I've wanted my memories to be mine all this time. Complaining that it's unfair.

I'm so fucking stupid.  
Why would I want to know this!  
Why would I want to remember the horrible torture I have to endure!  
Bleeding out didn't sound half bad right about now...

I screamed into the rag as Phil made the deepest cut by far.  
"Fuck." I heard him mutter. He put the knife down and held my wrist tightly.

"Stop fucking bleeding! Now"! He hissed at my face...I felt myself gag when I smelled the amount of liquor on his breath.

"I. Said. STOP!" he roared at me.

I whimpered and my vision got cloudy again as he slapped his hand down on my bleeding wrist.

Then I heard Rene's car pull into the driveway. My breath hitched and I turned to look at Phil who was now washing his hands furiously and taking the rag out of my mouth.

"Show time Isabella." he smiled sinisterly and we both turned towards the entryway waiting to hear the front door open and close.

I counted to 60 in my head and still no Rene...

Then I herd another voice.

My eyes widened in horror...

Ohmygod she was with someone!

I tried to tell Phil but the rag in my mouth made It impossible.  
Phil seemed oblivious to this he kept mumbling to himself.

And when the door finally opened and closed I distinguished the sound of 2 pairs of feet walk in.

"Phil, is Isabella home"? She called out.  
"Baby! Rene come in here...oh god come quick"! He said faking desperateness.

He runs over to me and puts the knife in my hand.

"If you know what's good you hold that shit." he hissed.  
I nodded horrified at what was to come.

As footsteps approached the living room I felt the repulsive burn of puke in the back of my throat.  
Phil kneeled next to me and creased my check gently. I winced and turned my head...

Then i heard two gasp at the entryway. My head snapped up and I felt my world caving in.

I looked up to see horrified emerald green eyes looking at me...

My head began to shake and I opened my mouth to speak but Phil beat me to it. Trying to work out the situation.

He spoke to Rene and completely ignores Edward.

" baby I came home from work early to see if Isabella wanted to go to the cinema in port Angeles...I came and found her like this...I...I thought she had gotten better Baby. But she's hurting herself again..." he sobbed and went to crease my cheek again.

And again I flinched from his touch.

"She wouldn't move and she hasn't spoken a work since I found her."

I was looking at him with anger. How could a human be so fucking disgusting! The hate I had for this man. I...I cant even being to describe...

My eyes flickered to Edwards...  
He's still looking at me...  
His eyes still held shock but now it was mixed with pain...  
Both his hands were in his hair pulling and then running though...  
Over and over again.

I hadn't realized my mom was now sobbing next to me trying to clean the cuts on my wrist.

My eyes never left Edwards.  
I wish I could tell him everything with my eyes...

"Rene why is Edward with you "? Phil finally acknowledged Edwards presence.

"Oh phil." she sobbed.

"He saw me struggling with the groceries and offered me some assistance. Then he mentioned he had to ask Bella something about a school project..."

"ohh Edward I'm so sorry you had to see this! Bella's going through a really tough time and we thought she was better but we were wrong...please Edward if you could keep this to yourself." she sobbed again and shook her head.

"Mrs. Swan Bella's my friend. And I have no intention of going behind her back and telling people...You...She can trust Me." he said determined all while looking at me with a pained expression.

He believed them.  
Of course he did.  
I'm in a very convincing position.  
And after he herd you wish death upon yourself that night of course he would think you're suicidal!

I tried to move but I couldn't feel my arms, they were extremely numb.

Phil was standing in the corner with his arms crossed in deep thought.  
Then he surprised me by saying,  
"Edward. I'm happy Bella has a friend like you. I want to talk to you. How about I walk you out."

I felt my head spin. What would he say? Would Edward believe him?  
Of course he would...  
why wouldn't he?

Edward doesn't say goodbye to me.

I'm so emotional right now that tears spring in my eyes because of it.

"Bella, what am I supposed to do about this! Do you want to go back to Seattle"? She sighed exasperated.

"No, please don't make me...please"! I begged her... My voice cracking from not being used for some time.

"Well talk about it later. For now you need to go upstairs, shower and go to bed. You know how Phil is about giving you a whole day to yourself so you can do whatever you want. He's still going to make you go."

God! Is she so fucking delusional she doesn't see that Phil kicks me out on his days off?

I picked myself up and used all my energy to go upstairs and into the bathroom not wanting any help from her.

I stood there looking in the mirror.  
I saw my disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes, bloody arms...

Edward saw me like this...  
He believed that i was a mental suicidal nonfunctioning human...

And yet...

He called me his friend...  
I've never had a real friend before...

Maybe I need one.  
Maybe he could mine.

* * *

**A/N: Sooo.. I heard somewhere that reviewing is good for the soul..yhea soo  
just throwing that out there;)  
So i hope you liked it!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I Do not own Twilight.**

Chapter 7: Levity

_Drop your guard  
Come down  
Stop trying so hard  
Come down  
And start living again_

_It's written everywhere_  
_I see it on your face_  
_That I am different now than I've ever been before_

_Drop your gaurd  
By Nizlopi_

* * *

**BPOV**_  
_

That night sleep did not come. And for once I was thankful.

Everything that happened just replayed and replayed in my head...

The fact that I could even replay and think about exactly what happened made me speechless.

I remembered...I know what happened. Wow.

And then there's Edward.

I can't begin to imagine what he thinks...

I mean he saw me...

Thinking I purposefully hurt myself...

Great.

I thought about canceling our work session... But we had barley gotten anything done... And I was sure that if Phil got another call from a teacher...

I shuddered.

Okei so no cancelation, but he'll want answers.

Answers I can't give...

Phil... I wonder what he told Edward...

Whatever he had to I guess, to get Edward on his side.

Edward keeps seeing me in these moments of horror and weakness...I hate it. I hate him for being at the wrong place at the wrong time!

But can I really blame him? It's not his fault he's witnessed a couple episodes of my shitty life...

He can't get involved. I'm not going to screw him up with how much my life is screwed...being friends with him would do that. I can already feel myself wanting to trust him and tell him things I should keep locked up in my head.

That would only make things worse. Whatever I thought before about maybe being friends...

Well bullshit!

I don't want friends...because I would only hurt them.

An I don't want Edward to hurt.

So I won't tell him anything and I will be neutral. For his sake.

"Okei...whats your favorite memory"?

"Stop"! I looked over at Edward startled by his outburst.

He was currently sitting on a huge rock facing the ocean while I sat crisscross on the sand with my back to the pretty blue green water looking up at him.

It wasn't hard to convince Edward that we should work on our project at lapush. We left right after school, him following me in his Volvo.

"Umm Okei..We can skip that one. What about this one wha—"

"No swan that's not what I mean. I've been patient, letting you choose when it would be the right time to talk about...well you know!"

His eyebrows shot up and his pretty green eyes were open wide.

I stared at him for what seemed like a long time. Then I sighed. I knew this was going to come up sooner or later, I'm actually surprised he didn't bring it up sooner.

"Umm what did Phil tell you"?

"Oh, well he said that since you well, lost your father...you changed. You became depressed and that one day things went to far and he caught you...uhh you know" I've never seen him this awkward. He had paused and I nodded for him to continue making sure my face remained neutral.

"And that then they sent you to an institute in Seattle that helps people deal with trauma...and that they were so happy to have you back finally. But that recently he's noticed you slipping back into you old ways..Is what he said." he was looking down now and his fingers ran through his head and pulled at the ends.

"Bella.." was all he was able to choke out. And when he looked up his eyes were pained and glistening...

God it broke my heart...to see him so affected by this. This is why he can't know. It not fair to make him suffer with me.

"Why"? He whispered.

Okei Bella. Remember your lying because it's what's best for him!

"Edward, when my dad...died. I might as well have died with him." I spoke honestly.

"He was everything to me. He was my best friend, and I just couldn't Conceive the fact that he would no longer be around...I honestly don't know how it got this far.." I let the tears fall..I had never talked to someone about Charlie like this before..

"So you..— He swallowed audibly— Hurt yourself." it wasn't a question.

"Like I said I don't know how it got this far.."

I hated lying.

Especially to him.

"When I saw you that first night —"

"Yes that was my doing." I said quickly.

"Ohh Bella.." he said quietly.

I felt like such a horrible person..

He's hurting, because of me..

Because he cares..

He cares.

" Edward, it's going to be Okei. I promise. It's going to get better. I'm working on it."

" Bella there is so much I want to ask...say. I just don't know what to do." his voice broke again.

" Let's just take this step by step Okei? We don't have to empty out my whole closet today.." I hope he would drop it..

I really hate lying.

"Yheaa..Okei. Your right there will be other beach trips, we can take our time." he said and looked down at me..

Other beach trips?

Not being his friend is defiantly not easy.

"Yes." I said warily.

After finishing the homework I began to pack up my things and get up. Edward was looking out at the ocean. I guess he had a lot to process. I glancing at him from the corner of my eye ever once in a while…Sitting there on the rock in the beach that is my safe zone …God he's beautiful.

It's not like I haven't noticed how handsome he is or anything but now, right now. Where he's not trying to impress or keep up appearances…he's simply not trying.

He turns to look at me and I can't help but admire his beauty. His hair unruly as always with that unique bronze color. His captivating eyes. Deep pools of green that carry worry in them when he looks at me. His perfect full lips on to his jaw..Perfectly chiseled to look manly.

He's a model agencies wet dream.

I giggled at that, he looks at he with furrowed eyebrows before he breaks into a smile of his own.

And Just like the rest of him…

It was beautiful.

"What's so funny Swan"? He raises an eyebrow in question.

I couldn't help but laugh again, picturing his face if I told him.

"Uhh, no I don't think I feel like sharing." He smirked at me and I couldn't help my own smirk back

"Hmm..I could always make you." He shrugged and looked at the setting sun.

"I'm not scared of you." I said with a silly grin on my face. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed having a conversation with someone.

I've missed it.

"Ohh. You really shouldn't have said that." He looks over at me and grins with an evil glint in his eyes.

And before I can even respond. Or even blink!

I'm laughing like a maniac rolling around in the sand trying to get free.

"Edward…sto..HAHAHAHA..op"! My voice sounded ridiculous and that made me laugh even more! I swear I thought I was gonna pee!

Edward was laughing right along with me. He had me trapped in between his legs and demanding I tell him why I had looking at his face made me giggle.

"Come on Swan! Spill it! Did I have a bugger or something"? that just made me laugh harder.

The tears were freefalling now from laughing so hard.

"HAD? You mean HAVE right? Cause that sucker is still in the cave." He looks at me wide eyed before he throws his head back and roars out laughter.

I had never heard him laugh like that before.

I liked the sound.

It made me smile up at him.

I took his moment of distractions to push him down so now he was on his back and I was tickling him.

His face was shocked and then he began laughing as I got back at him.

His eyes squinted so much from laughing , crinkling around the edges.

He took my breath away.

"Swan! You little sneaky Kitty"! he yelled out between fits of laughter.

I was now rolling with laughter at his words…

"sneaky Kitty! How random was that"! I laughed again and my stomach hurt from doing it too much.

He was still on his back looking up at the cloudy sky and settled myself on my back next to him.

We didn't talk or look at each other for a long time. It was a comfortable silence that reminded me of my dad. He wasn't a man of many words, But that was alright with me because then again I wasn't the chatterbox kind. We were so much alike. We would be silent around each other and it was never awkward or uncomfortable because we understood each other. We didn't need hours of useless talk to know we cared about each other. My dad showed me that he loved me in his small gestures that meant the world to me.

"Look a horse." I heard Edward say quietly. I focused hard on the sky above me and looked for said horse.

And when some time passed and I still didn't find the horse I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Don't think about it so hard. Let go and just..look. Let your imagination take over. You won't get tested on this. I promise." He breathed out a laugh.

I rolled my eyes behind my lids and then opened them.

There was a horse.

I smiled up at the sky.

I couldn't help tease him though. I was feeling light and smiley.

Which is a first.

I pointed up at a cloud "You see that cloud up there the one left of the horse. It's all jumbled up and messy. Big blob of nothing really." I glanced at him from the corner of my eye.

"Yheaa I guess. What about it"? He said confused.

"Well." I said and then pointed to it again.

"Look your hair." I said innocently.

His head slowly turned to look at me. And I was holding back my giggles.

But when I turned to look at him and he was pouting like 2 year old I couldn't hold back. I laughed hard again tears in my eyes again.

And at one point he began laughing too. It was that laugh from before.

It took my breath away.

Once we calmed down I sat up and criss crossed my legs and he followed in suite.

The sun was setting now and we were just looking out into the ocean. In that peaceful quiet once again.

The sky looked so beautiful. The colors all morphing to different hues as sun disappeared into the sea.

I couldn't help but smile at its beauty.

I felt a hand cover mine.

My hand felt so small in his.

So protected.

I couldn't hold back by sigh of content.

It seems I couldn't hold back at all today.

This should bother me.

But it doesn't.

Edward looks down at our joined hands and then looks back at me.

And in a small sad voice he says

"Do you really think my hair looks like a messy blob of nothing"?

I give him a small smile and gently lift my hand from under his and run my fingers through his hair.

So soft.

I shake my head at him and give him a small smile.

"It's perfect."

I drop my hand from his hair and place it on top of his.

I haven't felt so in peace in a long time.

"Thank you." I turn to look at him and smile.

He looks at me for a long time before he responds

"Anytime Kitty."

* * *

**A/N: Hope you liked it!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:I Do not own Twilight.**

Chapter:8

_Rain is gonna fall, the sun is gonna shine  
__The wind is gonna blow, the water's gonna rise  
She said, "When that day comes look into my eyes"  
But no one's giving up quite yet, we've got too much to lose  
Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl  
Hold me down, sweet and low and I'll carry you home_

_Sweet and low_  
_by Augustana_

* * *

**BPOV**

"Alright class. As you all know today your first photographs are due. These will count towards your grade but not much as this is more of a test run. But I expect your next pictures to be better than the last. Learn from your peers and..."

I let his voice get lost as I thought back to my picture of Edward.

It had been two weeks since our first beach trip. We had gone back there whenever we had to work on the project. Fortunately for me most of those days landed on Phil's days off.

I thought back to last night when we were on our way back home from another great day at our beach.

We had begun carpooling. It was his idea. His argument being that he was determined to help save the environment in any way he could.  
I had laughed and agreed commenting on how nice it was to be acquainted with a tree hugger.

We were in the car and I looked back at the ocean as it disappeared behind us and sighed.  
_"What's going on in there"? He said and playfully flicked the side of my head softly._

_I smiled at him._

_"I love it there so much. Everything is better there. I'm better there." I felt his fingers on mine and closed my eyes as he played with my fingers._

_"I'm glad you brought me here. I feel like you let me in, Like you let yourself just BE..you know? that first trip to the beach was amazing..I felt like I finally saw the real you. Your different there you know. It's like...I don't know. Like you're free or something. But when we leave every inch that your pulled away from there you curl back into yourself. Like you're being locked away again." his eyes flickered to mine and they held there for a couple seconds._

_"Look at the road oh wise one." I mumbled at him._  
_He chuckled and shook his head._  
_"How silly of you to ever think you could deny my friendship." he said teasing me._

_I had told him that the morning of our first trip we made I had decided friendship was not an option._  
_Yheaa and then we were rolling around in the sand laughing..._  
_Great determination Bella._

_"You know...I don't even think I wanted to resist your friendship. Subconsciously I mean. It was a hard choice...If I ever really had any...to let you in. I mean I could have just kept you at a distance like Ben...But I'm alone in this...and with you I didn't feel that way anymore. I bet this makes no sense." I laughed dryly and shook my head._

_He had been quiet for a minute before he inter winded our fingers and squeezed my hand._

_"You'll never be alone again." he whispered.  
_

"—So with that said turn in your pictures! But don't think you're off the hook you will be presenting all of your pictures at the semesters end."

I took out the big white envelope of Edwards's picture. I had picked it up from the thrift-way this morning.

"Can I see"? Said a voice at my ear.  
I bit back my smile and turned to my partner.

"Can I see?" I countered back nodding at his manila folder that contained my picture.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Nope."

"Then my answer is no as well" I smiled and got up to turn in my envelope.

I thought back to the picture. We had been trying out different ideas at the beach. I had been standing in a rock looking down at him with my borrowed camera and felt completely stupid.

"I don't know what the he'll I'm doing Edward." i scowled at him.

"Just keep trying till you feel like you have a good shot." he tried to advice.

"Shut up. I know you can help me more than that. Your skilled buddy! And shame on you for hold back your talents"! I extended my hand out to point at him dramatically but ended up losing my balance and falling off the rock and landing on my behind. I had kept a hold on the camera and it had turned on somehow on my way down.

Edward was laughing his way over to me.  
That laugh...  
Beautiful.

He was leaning over me now and extending his land out to me. Looking up at him.. God he was beautiful.

I sun positioned behind his head and all the rays surrounding him. His hair looked more red than brown and he was laughing that laugh of his.

Before he had time to move and I think.  
I lifted the camera quickly and snapped away. His face changed into confusion and the moment was gone but I had my picture.

"So what are your plans this weekend"? He asked as we made our way towards our cars. He parked by me now, every day.

And to say people minded was an understatement. He had told me how his friends confronted him about the time being spent with me and how he never had time for real friends.

He told me that he told them to' fuck off'.  
I didn't push the subject because it made him angry.

"Nothing much clean and work on my English paper. You"? I turned to him. And leaned on my tuck.  
"Well...Tomorrow is...uhh… My mom she's been, well she wants you to join us for dinner tomorrow. So what do you say"?

He was fidgeting and nervous. He kept running his hand through his hair.

"I'll have to ask my mom, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Umm, ill text you tonight to let you know." I smiled at him and he tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"Later Kitty." he said as he got into his car. I went to do the same and pulled out after him.  
When he turned right instead of left it didn't surprise me. He had told me Esme had given him a list of errands to run for her after school.

When I got home the front door was unlocked. Rene must be home.  
When I entered the house I went straight to the kitchen.  
Sure enough there she was chopping away at some carrots.

"Isabella, how was school"? She threw me a smile and I just looked at her.

"Why are you cooking"? I asked after a long silence.

"This is my home. My kitchen. I can do as I please." he snapped.  
I mentally slapped myself for being so carless of how I talked to her. She could tell Phil and then...

"I'm sorry...mom. It's just you know how I..I love to cook for you and Phil." I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"I know baby. I know. But I thought maybe you could use a break for once. Let me take care of dinner." I felt tears prick in my eyes. It was times like these that I missed my mom so much. Life after Charlie had changed her.

"I'll be upstairs. I...are you sure this is alright"? I asked.

"Go take a nap. You look tired." and I was. And she noticed and my heart swelled. I wanted her to notice. To notice me.

I nodded and once upstairs and on my bed I fell into a dreamless sleep fast.

I woke up to a door being slammed.

My head snapped up and when the familiar sound of heavy boots coming up the stairs registered I held my breath.  
My door burst open and there he stood. Bloodshot eyes, tripping over his own feet and smelling like a bar threw him up.

"Making your mom do all work huh"? He said slurring his words.  
"Selfish bitshh"

I shut my eyes and willed a blackout out of me. But nothing happened and I knew it wouldn't ever happen again.

When I opened then and saw Phil pull out the knife he had used the last time I heard a horrible bloody murder scream escape my throat but was quickly muffled but a bunched up shirt being shoved in my throat.

My tears were free falling as he picked me up off the floor and threw me on the bed. He looked down at for a second before reaching for the button on my jeans.

My eyes widened in horror and I furiously kicked and punched and screamed through the T shirt.  
No. No. This could not be happening.  
Not this too. OH god no. Please.  
Mom, save me.

Edward. Ohh god Edward.

I felt harsh slap on my face.

"I'm going to fuckk you dumaasss" he began pulling down my pants and I continued my struggle. My Mind was going a million miles a minute and I didn't know what to do. I kept seeing flashed of me and Edward at my beach. No our beach.

I struggled harder but it was useless.

My pants were down to my knees and I felt the slice on my thigh before I saw it.

"Ahhhhggghh"! His hand was over my mouth and he slid the knife over my other thigh this time.

He looked like he was concentrating hard on the task at hand.  
He only stayed on my thighs and when he stops for a second I thought it was over but then he got hold of my wrist and reopened my scars that were finally beginning to heal.  
When he finally finished he swayed rubbed his hand on his jeans and leaned forward kissing my forehead.

"Night Isabella." it made me want to throw up.  
He stumbled out of the room and closed the door. I didn't move I just stayed in the position I was left in. I was empty. I stared at the ceiling just empty.

When the knock on my door finally brought me back I felt tears fall.

"Honey, Mrs. Cullen called. She said that she would love you to join her and her family for dinner tomorrow, its Edwards birthday." she said giddily.

My eyes snapped to the door. His birthday?  
"Be ready by 7:00"! She sang and walked away.

I sat up. And cried out at the pain I felt.

I carefully slid my jeans off and my sweater. I rolled them up in my blood soaked Blanket and threw it to the corner. Blood kept tricking down my legs and arms but I didn't think I could make it to the bathroom. Not without collapsing anyways.

I felt empty.

Like with every rip of my skin.

Air had been flowing out.

In the end leaving me deflated and empty.  
I laid in my bed on my back. Not really caring anymore if my sheets stained with blood through the night.

I turned ad picked up my phone

Off of the bedside table and sent a text to Edward. My only hope. Thinking of him...made me feel like I could be whole.

I would never be alone.

_**Do you like chocolate?-B**  
_I rolled my eyes at myself.

**_That's like asking me if i need air to breath!-E_**

I chuckled at his 's the only person on this earth that could make me laugh at a time like this. This is what I needed. I began to feel slightly whole again. He is what I needed. He's my normality.

**_I'll take that as a yes! I'll see you__ tomorrow.-B_**

**_you'll never be alone kitty...Just a reminder, night Bella.-E_**

I felt my eyes fill with tears and as I closed my eyes and fell into unconsciousness all I saw behind closed lids were images of me and my best friend together at our beach and i felt as if i could finally breath again.

* * *

**Review please:)**

**~BookWorm~**


End file.
